Mary Sue

on our first night back at Hogwarts
we all sat around the table
with a summer's worth of stories to compare
when my best friend came up to me
& his eyes they looked right through me
his face shining as he watched the tower stairs
& he asked me, "have you met her?
she just came here from America
& now she's the talk of all of Gryffindor"
I just laughed & called him crazy
cause it's hard to captivate me
she descended & my jaw it hit the floor

her hair is like a waterfall
of gold flowing & dancing
her skin is ivory, her nerves are steel
her eyes violet as the flower
but I've seen them change their color
with the feelings that she tries not to reveal
cause I know she's got a secret
that she's keeping from the rest of us
& her beauty is a curse or so they say
& with everything she's learning
she's got no clue of my yearning
or the joy I'd bring if she'd just look my way

oh you are still too much for such a simple man to grasp
you're a vision from a world so far apart
but I'll be right here waiting while you're out there moving mountains
I'll be dreaming you would let me win your heart
I'm just an average fella with an average story line
but my love is pure & passionate & true
& in all that you must face I would be standing by your side
if you'd put your hand in my hand, Mary Sue

well she speaks a dozen languages
& she sings just like an angel
she's the best at any task she undertakes
she fights as strong as any man
with swords or guns or hand-to-hand
dear Mary Sue just doesn't make mistakes
all the greatest names of our age
gather round, protect & cherish her
& she knows she has her pick of the elite
& I've got no wealth or power
that could tempt her from her tower
how can anyone like me hope to compete?


& they say our Mary Sue's
got a fate that is so dark now
& its burden weighs so heavy on her mind
& she'll face it with such courage
oh but will she ever spare a thought
for the bitter tears of those she leaves behind

Mary Sue is moving on now
to a bigger, better new world
that will challenge her, or so I would surmise
well it caused such a commotion
when she got her field promotion
became captain of the starship Enterprise
Captain Mary Sue's in orbit
of a planet so mysterious
her away team needs another volunteer
so I'm putting on my red shirt
& I'll bandage up my heart's hurt
maybe finally she'll notice that I'm here.


This song was inspired by two things:
The idea of how much it would suck for an average guy to fall in love with the archetypal Mary Sue,
and a conviction that all the funniest songs are at least a little depressing too.